My Single-mom Story

I wanted to make a post to share how exactly I got here.. 9 months pregnant and alone. Let me make it clear that I am not at all bitter to be in this situation, I am more grateful for the way things have turned out than anything. I will say that I do feel shameful and guilty for my choices that resulted in this pregnancy because my daughter will now have to grow up without a father and that is really unfair.

Let’s call this man my donor, or my daughter’s donor because he does not deserve the title “Dad.” This man is one of the first friendships I formed upon moving to Arizona and I was absolutely delighted to have met him.. at first. He seemed perfect and I quickly fell for him. He took me to all the good hole-in-the-wall restaurants, took me on every hiking trail we could find, we never ran out of adventures. I fell for him and he said he fell for me too, it was but a dream! Until it wasn’t anymore.

One day my dream turned into a nightmare. After a year and a half of dating and spending every second together and countless dates, roadtrips, and vacations I found out he had a girlfriend. I was shocked. I didn’t understand how he could lead such a double life, how I didn’t confirm this earlier! Was I just in denial? Was I stupid? I was torn apart, and I hated myself for months. But why did I hate my self? I didn’t lie, I didn’t deceive him, I didn’t take advantage of someone who knew no one the way he did.

Eventually I forgave myself and was able to put space and distance between the situation which in a way lead me to forgiving him. Not fully but enough so that when his name popped into my Instagram DM’s 12 months later, I responded. Ill never really understand why I chose to be kind to him and speak to him after all he did to me, but I did. And one morning while I was still asleep there was a knock at my door.. guess who? I let him in my house that day and the rest is history.

Two and a half months later, on my 26th birthday I took a pregnancy test because my period was one day late. My periods are very regular so being one day late, I knew. Although now I feel that this pregnancy was meant to be. I was meant to have this baby with that man at this exact time it doesn’t change the panic, the fear and the anger I felt that day.

I didn’t want to have a baby with him especially because what I glazed over in the earlier paragraphs was the extreme mental abuse and torture I endured without realizing it. He was very much controlling and manipulating everything I did, every time I tried to put distance he would gaslight and make false promises and at 25 years old I believe he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew I was in love with him and he used every narcissistic strategy in the book in order to convince me to stay and I became extremely depressed and suicidal- I will admit I struggled with both those things long before I ever met him but I also believe that with my low self-esteem is what made me the perfect target for him.

I told him about the pregnancy and he said he was happy. He said he wanted this baby and he wanted us to raise it together, this made me happy but I also knew at this point that he is very toxic and no matter how comforting that statement was at the moment, it could never happen that way. I didn’t expect him to stay true to his word, I didn’t actually believe a word he said. I could see panic and hatred for me in his eyes but I played along..

And then he disappeared.

Not without sending some hateful messages that I will not repeat on the internet.

I finally got in contact with him a few months later due to potential health problems in the fetus (more about that is on my youtube channel). He claimed to be so happy it was a girl, he claimed to be crying of joy. He apologized for abandoning me for months and leaving me all alone and pregnant, he promised to do better. He came and set up the baby’s crib and then guess what?

He disappeared.

I finally put my foot down. You cannot just pop in and out of someone’s life (especially a child) as you please when its convenient. And at this point he has a whole other family so I do know that he would never be able to be a consistent loving parent for my child. He has, up to this point, shown a severe disregard for her health, safety and life in general. As her mother it is my job to protect her from people and situations that can harm her mentally and physically and that’s what I have to do. I begged him for the first 7 months to be involved, to attend any appointments, to support her by supporting me- and nada. So now I have made my decision to cut him out completely, which was probably quite unnecessary because I haven’t heard from him in three months and I’m due to give birth any day now.

But I have so much confidence in my ability to give my daughter more love than she can handle, so many people have come out of the woodwork through out my pregnancy to support me and show that they will love and support my baby girl that I think she will be just fine without him. I’m sure we will encounter trials as she gets older but she will never have to question my love for her or my unwavering support for her.

And all in all, I am better equipped to take care of her when I am mentally in good health and I am not mentally healthy when he is around me.