Will I love my baby?

This is a hugely scary and personal topic for me- for anyone to make public. Going through this pregnancy was especially difficult in the beginning and I’ve struggled with the fear that I won’t love my baby. Many people, for obvious reasons, don’t want to talk about this which can make people who are feeling this way- feel isolated. Having scary thoughts and not being able to find support is what can lead to severe mental health issues. So let’s get into my personal feelings and what I am going through..

So my pregnancy was unplanned as much as a pregnancy can be unplanned. I had been on birth control non-stop for 13 years and I lost insurance in April of 2019 causing me to be unable to get my birth control. I was single and had no potential partners so I figured, what the hell, I’ll give my body a break. Well in September of 2019 a previous partner of mine just kind of showed up at my door. A month later we called it quits for various reasons. Two weeks later, the day before my 26th birthday, my period was a day late. I knew, I was only 4 weeks pregnant but I had a gut feeling that I had never had before, I didn’t even need the test. I went to Walgreens, bought a test, peed on it and walked away. I didn’t check the test for two hours. When I finally walked back into the bathroom to check I collapsed into tears. I did not want to be pregnant, I didn’t want a child, I didn’t want body changes, I didn’t want to have to deal with any of it. I was absolutely terrified. I am pro-choice so I scheduled a consultation at an abortion clinic. I will make another post on that experience. I obviously did not get an abortion but I still felt no connection to the baby growing inside me. I kept telling myself that once I saw it on an ultrasound, or found out the sex, or felt it move all that would change. There were people I told about my lack of connection with my unborn child who assured me I would feel that connection. :Spoiler Alert: I never did. Seeing the ultrasound at 17 weeks was amazing, I’d never seen that, I couldn’t believe that little thing was inside of me right at that moment! But I FELT nothing. I didn’t feel love or anything for it. I found out it was a girl and nothing. Girls have cuter clothes and cuter nursery options in my opinion but I didn’t “love” her. At 19 weeks I felt her move, it was interesting but again still, nothing. I was so discouraged. I desperately wanted to want her, I truly did want to love her at that point but I just didn’t. I felt like a failure as a woman, like a monster. How could I know about her existence see her move, feel her move and not feel any love or concern for her? Am I some kind of psychopath? It made me suicidal that I didn’t feel motherly. I reached out to people I thought may have felt the same thing that could reassure me, I thought maybe it was due to her unplanned nature. Everyone I spoke to could not relate to what I was feeling, people started looking at me different. I realized I had to keep my thoughts to myself from now on, I would have to deal with these feelings on my own. I have made peace with my feelings now, I’m not as concerned as I was about these feelings. I have found a concern for her wellbeing, I am worried about something happening to her. I did not feel this at all still at 20 weeks so I know that I have made progress. I think it may take me some time to love her, I’ve never physically touched her or seen her and she wasn’t planned, I didn’t have time to process an upcoming pregnancy and the father of my child is an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive and was playing mind games the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy which clouded my judgment and made me upset and confused so I don’t think it’s crazy that I don’t feel a huge connection or any immense love for the baby. The father has since cut off any means of communication which was for the best, I have been able to focus on myself and my daughter and what’s going to be best for us going forward, this has made a huge difference in my feelings towards my daughter although I still think I will have to get to know her in order to love her. I have never fell in love with someone I’ve never met and I don’t see why the shared DNA should make it the exception. I do care about her, I will take care of her and keep her safe with everything in me and I think at this point I will love her eventually.